Found a little gratitude today!

This post is especially for Virginia who might actually be looking for the blog. I found a little gratitude tonight - I'm so glad to have you gals to talk to and hang out with. This was a great evening - thanks!

Thanks for nothing.

The big question: why am I so lacking gratitude? I mean, after all, I'm a relatively healthy, relatively wealthy woman with two great sons and a nice guy for a husband. We live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I work part-time and spend lots more time with my kids than most working moms. My parents and siblings are all still alive and well. I have tons of friends. Why don't I feel more thankful?

Theory #1 - I work hard for everything I have. I don't have to thank anyone because no one "gave" me any of this.

Theory #2 - I don't deserve any of this. I have received all these gifts through some kind of mistake or fraud and someone will eventually discover the error and take the gifts back.

I know these theories seem like they should cancel each other out. How can I earn something that I don't deserve? It's like those points you get on the SATs just for putting your name on the answer sheet.

The thing that these two theories have in common: gifts are conditional. They must be earned and they can be taken away. How can I feel grateful when I am constantly walking on eggshells waiting for all my good fortune to disappear? Why be thankful for something that takes so much effort to maintain?

This certainly jibes with my subconscious belief that all love is conditional. I am constantly looking for ways to prove my love for others. Unfortunately, I also constantly need them to prove their love to me.

I am a personification of the old argument "do we receive grace through faith or works?" Some say faith alone. As a Catholic, I've been taught that we need a combination of the two. But I live my life as if grace is only attained through good works; faith has nothing to do with it.

To sum up, God (the Universe, fate, whatever you want to call it) has given me many gifts and talents, but God can also take those gifts away at any time. I have to earn it all back every day. I also have to earn the love of my children, my husband, my parents, my friends, etc. ON A DAILY BASIS. Imagine the stress level here.

Hey, God, thanks for nothing.

I am an ingrate

I am an ingrate.

Don't get me wrong, I can be extremely gracious. I've had a fairly long and fairly successful career as a fund raiser for nonprofit organizations. I am a firm believer in the rule of thanking the donor again and again. Whether a gift is small or large, I believe the motivation behind it deserves the same recognition and I hope that comes across to the many generous donors I have thanked over the years. I have no problem with gratitude on behalf of others.

No, when I say I am an ingrate, I mean that I don't feel grateful for anything that has been given to me personally. Compliments...presents...innate talents or abilities...I feel no gratitude for these things. Most days I don't even feel grateful for my family. I love them, and I protect them fiercely, but I don't wake up grateful for my place among them.

Most days I wake up dreading my to do list. Most days I have stayed up too late the night before attempting to do everything on my list and still have some kind of relationship with my husband, my sons, my extended family and friends. Most days I would rather not wake up at all.

I have several theories on my lack of gratitude and I hope to work through them here. It is risky doing this in a blog. I fear that my friends and family -- people who "know" me -- will find this and wonder what the hell is going on. Please understand, my lack of gratitude has nothing to do with my opinions of any of you. If anything, the opposite is true. You have all given me wonderful gifts through the years. You have worked hard to nurture me and support me. I hope you will continue to do so as I start this quest, as I try to get to gratitude in my life.