I am an ingrate

I am an ingrate.

Don't get me wrong, I can be extremely gracious. I've had a fairly long and fairly successful career as a fund raiser for nonprofit organizations. I am a firm believer in the rule of thanking the donor again and again. Whether a gift is small or large, I believe the motivation behind it deserves the same recognition and I hope that comes across to the many generous donors I have thanked over the years. I have no problem with gratitude on behalf of others.

No, when I say I am an ingrate, I mean that I don't feel grateful for anything that has been given to me personally. Compliments...presents...innate talents or abilities...I feel no gratitude for these things. Most days I don't even feel grateful for my family. I love them, and I protect them fiercely, but I don't wake up grateful for my place among them.

Most days I wake up dreading my to do list. Most days I have stayed up too late the night before attempting to do everything on my list and still have some kind of relationship with my husband, my sons, my extended family and friends. Most days I would rather not wake up at all.

I have several theories on my lack of gratitude and I hope to work through them here. It is risky doing this in a blog. I fear that my friends and family -- people who "know" me -- will find this and wonder what the hell is going on. Please understand, my lack of gratitude has nothing to do with my opinions of any of you. If anything, the opposite is true. You have all given me wonderful gifts through the years. You have worked hard to nurture me and support me. I hope you will continue to do so as I start this quest, as I try to get to gratitude in my life.